Now I know that many of us have a hard time forgiving. He says that if you have anything against anyone – and that’s pretty inclusive, don’t you think? Anything against anyone! – you should forgive. We’d much rather grovel in self-pity than regain relationship with the offender. We’d much rather hang onto our pain as a means of self-protection. The command to forgive is a very hard command to obey, isn’t it? If someone has really hurt us, the last thing we want to do is to forgive. Reconciliation, therefore, is dependent on the other person. Reconciliation, on the contrary, requires that the other person own the wrong and repent of it. You can do this no matter what the offending party does. Forgiving someone is giving the offense and hurt to God. Fourth, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, though it is almost always part of reconciliation. This sort of healing process takes time, and forgiveness contributes to the healing, but it’s not the same as feeling better. Third, Jesus is not asking us to pretend as if the hurt has completely disappeared. Forgiveness is deciding that you won’t get even, that you won’t punish the offender either through your actions or inactions. Yes, this can help us let go of our hurt feelings sometimes, but forgiveness is choosing before God to let go of the offense, even if you don’t understand why the offender did it. Second, Jesus is not asking us necessarily to understand why somebody did something wrong. In fact, forgiveness assumes that it was not okay. First, he’s not asking us to say “That’s okay.” Forgiveness isn’t saying that what was done to you is okay. I want to make sure you understand what Jesus is not asking us to do in forgiving. Here you go, Lord, here’s the hurt.” (Photo: Another moving portrayal of forgiveness in Bartolomé Murillo’s “Return of the Prodigal Son,” 1667-70.) I do not want this offense to be a breach in relationship any further. When I forgive I say to the Lord, “God, this person really hurt me. Though it usually leads to feeling better, forgiveness generally comes prior to feeling better. I’m surrendering it to you.” Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It’s saying to God, “Okay, Lord, I’m not going to hold onto this offense any more. What is forgiveness? At the risk of being simplistic, let me say that forgiveness is giving over to God the wrong done to you. This can seem very odd to us, partly because we have a hazy or even wrong-headed understanding of forgiveness. Rather, it connects your own forgiveness by God with the forgiveness you give to someone else. None of these adds, “if the one who offended you is sorry.” For example, in Mark 11:25 Jesus says, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” This passage says nothing about what the offender thinks or feels. There are many passages in the Bible the call us to forgive. Unforgiveness is like a cancerous tumor within us that needs to be removed.įor those of us who are biblically-oriented, a more compelling case for this kind of forgiveness comes from Scripture itself. If you have been deeply hurt by your parents, for example, and you carry this hurt with you throughout your life without ever forgiving, it’s highly likely that you will inhibit your own emotional health, even your physical health. They show, basically, that forgiveness is essential for the emotional health of the one who forgives. One way to answer this question would be to point to psychological studies of forgiveness and unforgiveness.
Step 4: Let the unrepentant sinner be to you and your Christian community “as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider.īut always be read to welcome back this person if he or she repents.Īt any stage in this process, if the person being confronted admits his or her fault, then it is essential for the individual who was on the receiving end of the offense to forgive the offender.īut what happens if the offender is unwilling to admit to having done anything wrong? What should you do if you go through the process established by Jesus, but the end result is not an admission of sin? Can we forgive someone who doesn’t repent? Should we?
If Step 3 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you and the witnesses, go to If Step 3 is successful, you have won back the offender. Step 3: Tell it to the gathered Christian assembly (or, in many churches, to the authorities who handle church discipline). If Step 2 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you and the witnesses, go to If Step 2 is successful, you have won back the offender. Step 2: Go again with one or two witnesses. If Step 1 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you, go to Step 2.
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